Sometimes they DO listen

[David64]

Well, it looks like I did something right.

My youngest Son called me last night and from the way he said "Hey Dad" I knew we were about to have a serious talk. He's 28, never been married, no kids and has followed my advice on relationships, which are :

Be picky. I don't mean be a demanding asshole, but this may be the person you spend the rest of your life with, so make sure she's "The One".
Date for at least one year before you live together.
Live together at least one year before you get married.
Never, EVER give some one access to your bank account till you're married. If she doesn't have her own money and depends on you to support her, she's not The One.
{ I've seen WAY too many Gold Diggers who go after men like him }

So, he's been seeing this woman for about 4 months and she's already bringing in paint swatches and talking about how she's going to decorate his house. How he needs to get a new couch or change the curtains, paint the walls, etc...and I asked him, "What are you going to do ?" He said " She's not moving in and I already told her that and now she's mad". The question I asked next told me what I need to know about her. I asked, "Did she say something like Well I guess you don't love me?" He said Yep and I knew from that she isn't trustworthy. That's a guilt trip/manipulation.

So basically he's told her she's not moving in and that they've only been dating for about 4 months and doesn't know if he loves her or not. He said it takes time to fall in love and he's not there yet. He said he thinks he's going to break it off and asked if I thought that was a good idea. I told him that I think he needs to do what he thinks is best for him and if that doesn't include her, then so be it.

Personally, I think he's dodging a bullet, but I won't say that. I try hard not to interfere in my kids lives unless they ask and he asked so.....I said it a different way.

My Son has a good future. He has savings, investments, a good job and I'm VERY glad he listened. I was already divorced at his age and she took me to the cleaners, so I really don't want to see that happen to him.

 

[Beezer]

My wife and I have been married for over 3 decades. We got married after just 1 month.

It worked for us, but our sons and even some friends have tried to replicate what we did to utter failure and broken hearts.

When you know, you know. But the feeling HAS to be mutual.

 

[Freija]

The world is a different place, people are different, society is different, relationships are different and I am a septuagenarian so take what I have to say with a grain of salt.

I liked what you said but couldn't help but try to see things from or wonder about the girlfriend's perspective. What gave her the idea that they were headed for co-habitation? What is her financial status or past relationship history? Is she just a little over eager or crazy or lacking the awareness that her feelings and intentions weren't reciprocated? Did something lead her to believe this or is she just a gold digger as you say? Admittedly, the "you don't love me" thing does seem manipulative and passive/aggressive but girls are nothing like they were when I was her age and from what I can tell, unfortunately cunty and bitchy behavior is the norm these days for some.

I didn't get married until I was thirty after living together for almost a year. When I met my future husband the financial disparity between us was massive which was much more of a concern than interest or attraction for me worrying he might think I was just interested in what he could do for me. However, I won't totally deny I did think about it. He was making almost a doctor's salary and I was self-sufficient but living in a run down shack in a bad part of town struggling paycheck to paycheck while also trying to co-parent a kid. It wasn't his money or things but the stability and security was appealing. I never asked him for a thing but I did suggest some upgrades to his bachelor lifestyle. lol

When things are right, they are right. Although I have been divorced for 29 years now, he is remarried and I've had several failed subsequent LTRs, he is still my best and most trusted friend.

I've tried my best to avoid giving relationship advice to my daughter but have tried to be supportive of her decisions. Her first marriage ended about at your son's age but she's been married to the same guy now for 20 years and they are so good together.. (she's 52)

 

[Bally]

I never got it until I was in my middle 30's. Several relationships where I lost everything, property, houses, belongings, faith in how I was brought up in a stable household, where mum and dad both worked hard together for life and the focus was on us children. So I can't really blame my upbringing. Or could I. Never figured it out until those later years.

I just wanted a stable family thing where I could be a father, work hard, build a home, etc. Last relationship found me living out of 2 bags. So I decided no more relationships, look after me and pay my child support.

Then along came 'true love' out of the blue. 3 months later. (Her family were friends)(And Dutch) She was much younger and rang me one day at work. I was miles away. Asked if she could visit me. (bus trip). I said yeah..nah..yeah...Nahhhh nicely and thanked her for her concern. Anyway, her Dutch mother rang me afterwards. The basic conversation was "What's wrong with ............."(Daughter). I explained. Mother - "She is 18 now and can visit you." "She likes you." Said in a way what I imagine only a dutch mother could. (Firmly) Well the rest is history. She turns 52 this year. I'm 68. We've travelled with work the length and breadth of this country for my work and she always got a job where we ended up.

Fast forward to now after 4 children and I'm retired, she still works. Importantly, my lesson was, let the lady pick you and not to chase them. (with a Dutch MIL) The lady I'm with was bought up similar, albeit another culture. And I became part of another family who treated me right.

There is an answer in there somewhere. And at David64 I say your son is right on. Smarter than I was. And your advice is sound.

Hope this makes sense.

Regards,

Bally))))